Monthly archives "June 2011"

Either Dukan or Dukan’t

I have jumped, nay leapt, on the Dukan bandwagon. This means that I have spent the last week eating pretty much nothing but meat and 0% fat dairy products.

What is ‘Dukan’? I hear you say. Well, it’s a high protein, low carb diet from France which promises quick weight loss which is sustainable.

I’m not writing a guide to Dukan, nor am I going to bore you over the coming days with reports on what I’m eating and how many pounds I’ve lost (three, so far, by the way). Click the link if you’re keen to know more!

What I have discovered is:

  • It’s bloody expensive (well, it’s from France).
  • I can last more than nine hours without alcohol.
  • Seafood sticks are now my main source of food (see first point).
  • Loads of people write blogs about what they’re eating on the Dukan Diet.
  • I will be able to sustain my weight afterwards because there will come a point where I can’t afford to buy food.
  • I’m boring when I don’t drink (see second point)
It doesn’t help that the phrase ‘Dukan Diet’ reminds me of the phrase ‘Dunkin’ Doughnuts’.
I will continue with the diet because a) it seems to be working b) I have massive amounts of willpower and like to demonstrate this to Jeff at every opportunity.
Wish me luck!

meat photo: Suat Eman, doughnut photo: Grant Cochrane

Hair Raising!

So, Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant. What is that exactly? I knew someone once who had one and he looked like a tiny tears doll, without the ‘real tears’ and magic bottle. Well, after doing my usual extensive research I find things have moved on in the last 20 years.
Where does the transplanted hair come from I wondered? Apparently they take a strip of skin containing hair follicles from other (hairy) parts of your body which aren’t prone to baldness. (I’m thinking back, sack and crack then. Oh, and armpits). Will Rooney have a glossy head of suspiciously tight curls?
Are there ‘hair donors’? Is there some mortified Chelsea supporter crying into his can of Fosters because he knows there’s a Manchester United player out there who will soon be sporting a luscious mane of his back hair?
I am thinking of volunteering to donate. Not only do I have way too much hair for my size of head (greedy), I’m figuring if I have enough strips taken out of the back of my head, once all sewn back together it’s got to have the effect of pulling my face tighter, hasn’t it? Free face lift? I think so!
No disrespect to Mr Rooney, although I think baldness is the least of his worries in the sex god stakes, I think it’s great that there’s a real solution for (rich) people who are lacking in follicle activity. Perhaps women suffering from alopecia would be allowed treatment on the national health (am I being naive?). If I were balding, I’d definitely go for it – if I had the money and wasn’t terrified of pain in any form.
Good luck Wayne, I hope it means you can concentrate on your football now and have fun experimenting with the ghd’s!

Blood Bath in Combe Martin!

On Bank Holiday Monday, a man was shot at least seven times in the sleepy village of Combe Martin, Devon while members of the public watched on and cheered.

Hugh O’Neill the Earl of Tyrone (aka ‘The Earl of ‘Rone’) had been hiding out in Lady’s Wood all weekend surviving on nothing but sea biscuits before his capture at around 6pm. It’s understood he was forced to flee Ireland for reasons unknown, but unofficial reports indicate that Jedward are helping the police with their enquiries.
Amid much shouting and gunshot, the masked fugitive was captured and dragged out of the woods by a group of Grenadiers adorned with multi-coloured ribbons.

Once out onto the village street, he was sat upon a donkey ‘backsy-fore’ (back to front) and paraded through the village towards the beach for all to see.

Frequently on his journey, he was shot off the donkey by the Grenadiers only to be revived by a fool and a hobby horse and popped back on to continue to his terrible fate.

The procession included the chaps and maids of the village who turned out in their finery to celebrate the capture of such a dangerous criminal. There was much merriment and cacophony as the maids danced feverishly to the sound of accordions, drums and fiddles.

The 1.5 mile parade from the woods to the sea took around three hours as the donkey required frequent rests, often outside one of the many pubs along the route.

At around 9pm the crazed mob arrived at the shore and there was much wailing, jeering and drumming as they encircled the poor wretch on the beach. The guns were fired once more and the Earl of Rone lay dead on the beach. Everyone cheered as four of the Grenadiers picked up his lifeless corpse and ran into the sea where it was flung out into the tide much the appreciation of the watching crowds.

Jeff and Meg eagerly await the final act
In all seriousness, this was an excellent evening’s entertainment and Jeff and Meg were glad they hung around for the final spectacle. We plan to go next year, but will rent rooms so we can join in this extravagant pub crawl more actively!