Notable Things From July 2018

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The most notable thing about July was that it was ridiculously hot for anyone who’s lived in the UK all their life and 2018 looks set to finally replace 1976 as the hottest summer anyone can remember (unless you’re under 45, in which case insert your hottest year here [  ]). We’ve stopped saying “I don’t want to complain but..” before talking about the weather, mostly because we’ve lost the ability to form words with our mouths due to heat exhaustion.

My mind can’t write in this heat, it can’t think, it can’t sleep and that is my excuse for not hitting my (self-imposed and completely unrealistic) deadlines this month. However, I do have the best tan I have ever had and I went to Greece in 1992 – I look seriously alive and I’ve been sensibly wearing factor 50 and all that.

I’m seriously missing ice cream. Our van freezer seems to freeze any type of meat hard enough to bang a nail in yet it can’t keep ice cream any firmer than a restaurant chain milk shake (other restaurant chains are available). So we now have ice cream when we’re out at every opportunity.

I feel sorry for anyone who has booked a holiday abroad this year. I really do think that the UK is one of the most, if not the most, beautiful countries in the world but just suffers with crap summers. It also hasn’t escaped me that we’re lucky this has happened the year we decided to give up the 9-5 so I’m not sweltering in a cubicle. (I’ve never worked in a cubicle of course, that only happens in America, but I liked the way it sounded. If we did work in cubicles I probably never would have left my corporate job because I’d have been quite happy in my solitary little life hiding, undisturbed, away from office politics and photos of Susan’s sixth baby).

Ants also. July was notable for ants. I’ve been working outside, as I am privileged to be able to do (not privileged at all, I gave up a secure job to do this but check your privilege and all that) and they crawl all over my bastard laptop and have probably made a nest in there waiting for the perfect moment to destroy it just before I hit save on my 2020 Edinburgh show notes. They’re not allowed in the van and get killed if spotted; I don’t like killing them but I heard once that they set off alarm smells if there’s danger so I want to send a message to the rest of their cult that they are not welcome in my front dinette with matching cushions (which converts to a spare bed at night in keeping with most caravans – they put beds everywhere).

Oh, and the consultant told us that Jeff’s cancer has gone. So that was also notable.

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