So, I noticed increasing mentions of ‘Rapture’ on Twitter and wondered why there was a sudden surge of interest in Blondie’s 1981 hit after all these years. (Anyone over 40 could be forgiven for making that mistake). After extensive (ahem) research I’ve discovered it’s so much more than an average song containing probably the worst rap section ever known to mankind. No need to Google any further, here are the facts….
Apparently, some guy called Harold Camping has used the left hand side of his unbiased Christian brain together with the Holy Bible to calculate that tomorrow (21st May 2011) is judgement day. The calculations are complicated but are to do with Noah, taking 2011 and deducting 1, adding the name of your first pet to your mothers maiden name and dividing it by your age in dog years; or something like that.
However, it’s not the end of the world tomorrow. There will be many earthquakes, during which time believers such as Cliff Richard, Jonathan Edwards and Alice Cooper will get to meet Jesus who will accompany them on their final journey to paradise. Would you want to be at that party?
After that me and the other non-believers are stuck in a period of tribulation (five months apparently) where terrible things will happen. I can’t find out exactly what they are and, if they’re invented by Christians, it could just involve smoking, drinking and having sex with people you’re not married to. Not so bad then.
Finally, on October 21st 2011, God will destroy all creation. Again, I’m not clear whether the 5 month period in between is like a ‘last chance to join Cliff’ event or you just hang around waiting for the end (like a Cliff concert – wait, is that the tribulation?).
Perhaps I should mention that, due to a mathematical error, good old Harold incorrectly predicted that the same event would occur back in 1994. Obviously, he wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.
I don’t believe in God, but I’m not an atheist; I don’t agree with the use of the word as it’s just another way of naming people and to me that’s the same as putting me into a religious group.
If you’re a believer, enjoy today as if it were your last. If you’re having a ‘Rapture Party’, let me know Monday how it went.
Photo: Megan Harris-Smith