I’ve never been a fan of beards. I don’t want to offend any readers who are beard carriers, they’re just not my thing. Until these last couple of years this was fine; beards were the fashion choice of men over 45 and those who needed a beard to disguise a weak chin or other perceived imperfection or to show that they just bloody could because God gave them man hormones. The fact that they carry around in them the last meal of the bearer and smell none too pretty if you get near was of no consequence to me because I had decided, due to my personal preference surrounding facial hair, that bearded men were not for me in the area of romance and life-long relationships.
However, in the last couple of years the hipster beard has attacked the faces of too many men for me to let it pass without comment. (I should point out at this point that I do have a tolerance level for facial hair – I can see the appeal of a tidy goatee (pronounced ‘goh-teeee’ of course). Even the famous prankster Noel Edmonds seems well-groomed and in control of his furry face warmer). The profusion of follicle fecundity which, until now, was the choice of facial wear only for the kind of man who likes to chop down trees sporting a checked shirt and braces (and let’s face it it’s probably cold in Canada where all the trees live so you need something to keep you warm), this profusion of follicle fecundity is stealing the youth of young men around the world.
My singular problem with the bushy beard favoured by hipsters and now infecting otherwise sensible men is that it makes them look 20 year older than they are. Why would you want to look 40 if you’re 22?! I’ve only met one man who suits this type of beard; in fact, I’d go as far as to say it’s imperative that this man should always sport such magnificent evidence of testosterone (albeit on his chin) and it should be illegal for him ever to remove it. I’ve placed a picture at the end of this piece should you be in any doubt.
Now I have to point out that I very passionately believe that people should wear what they want, look how they want and rejoice in their appearance whatever it is. If you’ve seen what I wear on a day-to-day basis you’ve seen the evidence of said passion. This is annoying because I can’t tell you, the men (or women) reading, not to grow your face as that goes against my principles. So carry on cultivating but please do stop being surprised that it’s ginger when it gets over 1cm long.
To sum up my reasonably balanced argument against the bushy-ageing-of-man beard I will just say that I look forward to the day this goes out of fashion and my good friend MJ (pictured below) can return to being a unique-one-of-a-kind-hipster-before-they-were-hip-very-cool-dude.
Definitely Not a Hipster