Monthly archives "March 2012"

The Day My Lady Garden Went Grey

I’m forty three and last Tuesday I found my first grey pubic hair. ON MY BODY! ATTACHED!  I’m not sure that Tuesday is relevant, it could have been a Sunday, there’s probably not a preordained day on which your lady garden is going to betray you.

The funny thing is, I don’t remember my first ever pube but it should have been a momentous day, surely? I’m convinced this is something young women have documented in their Hello Kitty diary in their thousands: “Monday 6th June, PUBE!!! I’m a woman! Bought a soul belt today and dreamt about George Michael – he will be mine one day….etc..”

I’ve had grey hair on my head for some time now but I have it disguised regularly by a lady called Amanda who can do wonders with ‘natural brown’ and ‘spicy red’. What I know from this experience is that grey hairs are like fleas; if you can see one there are another million hiding somewhere. As soon as you see your first greyer, more start erupting out like those pop up games at the fair you bash with a plastic mallet.

So, I’ve been on fanny watch each morning since my gruesome discovery. So far, still just the one but I’m ready with my mascara wand should another appear.

I would ask Amanda if she does ‘collars and cuffs’ but, to be honest, it’s only my husband who’s going to see the offending threadlike growth so probably not worth the £68.50 she’d charge me. And I’m not sure how you’d get a good rinse with your legs dangling over those crazy hair washing bowls that hairdressers like to use.

The important thing is the significance. It’s the last awful sign of ageing, isn’t it? You cope with your first wrinkle with expensive anti-ageing creams and always ensure you’re holding a camera up in the air when taking photos so your chicken neck is fully extended. Once your child reaches fourteen, you know you’re completely not ‘with it’ but get pay off by embarrassing them in front of their friends.

But the private horror of a greying love chamber? You’re alone in your grief. People tell you that you look good for your age and inside you’re screaming “IF ONLY YOU KNEW! I’M A FRAUD!! I’M AS GREY AS A SCHOFE DOWN THERE!!!”

So, since old age appears to have started the second phase of it’s attack, I’ve stocked up on Tena Lady. I know what’s coming next……